SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
GREG MIGHT: Take a drink for beer abuse.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
GREG MIGHT: Start drinking your beer.>
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
GREG MIGHT: Tilt bottle and pour beer into his open mouth.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
GREG MIGHT: Smile large, and state loudly I must be full!
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
GREG MIGHT: Beer googles!
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
GREG MIGHT: Be the one carrying you.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.>
GREG MIGHT: Ask for the nearest after hours club.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
GREG MIGHT: Roll down the window and Ralph on the side of the car.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
GREG MIGHT: Ensure she is cute.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
GREG MIGHT: Start drinking your beer.
SYMPTOM: Momentarily rest your eyes. Beer glass slips to the floor.
FAULT: Beer glass has straight sides.
ACTION: Start drinking beer in pint glasses, harder to drop.
GREG MIGHT: Open his eyes, smile largely and immediately and loudly order another beer.