ALCOHOL WARNINGS

Due to increasing products liability litigation, alcohol

manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's

suggestion that the following warning labels be placed

immediately on all alcohol containers:

WARNING:

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you

are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor

in dancing like a wanker.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to

shay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to

believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to

telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you

wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may think you can

converse logically with members of the opposite sex

without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think

you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to

roll over in the morning and see something really

scary (whose species or name you cannot remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic

signs and cones appearing in your home.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to

believe that people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an

influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small

(and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to

literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually

cause pregnancy.